Just..

I felt  shit yesterday thats all i guess it's starting to catch up but i felt fine for a while at least... everyone is fucking leaving :'(

Just

I felt shit last night guess everything is catching up again. Well that sucks everyone is leaving .... :'(

Classes

Hi there I'm back again not much has been going on and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm no longer in one of my classes at school I'm not really allowed as I'm failing and it's better for me to go in a class where a teacher can help me with my other classes.
Cya :)

So...

Times are kinda are changing, urges still come and go. Exams came and went. Lol just yesterday. I finished mine for now I failed most of them but hey. Life moves on. It truly does but the memories remain. Of what I have done and so do the scars. Only have relapsed once and that's when I was really down so I guess that's better. I decided on Saturday I would like to look in to Jehovah Witness's Religion. And I am now organising bible study with a family friend. Which is looking better.
I have my first meeting with my counciller on thursday, my doctor suggested it she know as do the school counciller and one friend that is about the suicide attempt. I still probably will someday in the future but not using that method. And I don't think in the near future.

My dad has gone nuts maybe he swears that the goverment and illuminati came through the house and took photos of everything. He was high though.... And he see's and hears other things so we think he's schizophrenic.

Bigish post love ya,
Sarah

Fail

Well i tried and ended up throwing up all day :/
That was tuesday won't be trying to end it that way at least :|
Bye

Sup

So I got real close and i mean real close to doing the deed on tues only thing that stopped me was an test after school funny aye? not really will do sunday thou i'll be alone by then

Bye

So I'm using this account to publish stuff as it easier?

Whats been going on with me tash died last week which was really hard even thou I only knew her pretty well.... And I went to her funeral yesterday ... been less SH thou because I have a full life ahead of me . well thats what I think when I'm on a positive note I guess .. bye

Sarah <3

Meh

Telling more people which has been hard but worth it. :)

Meh

Telling more people which has been hard but worth it. :)

Whats happening?

Is it getting worse? I can't tell you
As it gets worse I fake more
I lie more
I pretend more
I scar more
And I hurt more
More than ever
And it's going to kill me
But that's alright
But its not

So can you tell me?
The truth?
The way out?
Can you tell me?
My lies from the truths?

No you can't
Because if I can't
How could you?


So anyway I'm at my dad's surrounded my dangerous stuff for example there was a hole container of blades. He won't miss one will he? oh well it's really sharp :) god I'm a nut I actually am I'm a suicidal nut. But thats alright for me it is damn need to buy panadol :) Why am I putting smily faces everywhere :( That's more like it isn't it?

Anyway night :)

Got to stop faking :'(

Hello

So I've seemed to notice something I haven't blogged in what feels like ages : / So yeah I recently joined safehaven and it's the best thing I have done for me in a long time. It really is helping I always knew that I wasn't the only one but now getting to know them really does make me feel not  alone if you get what I mean. I really want the scars to go away before august thats when we have our dance. But I'm already planning other ways to overcome that if I'm even around.

I've actually got a few plans ......

Me and my mum had a fight in the mall again ... And I honestly just couldn't care less about her swearing at me... Or at least that's what I try telling myself that


Anyway

Bye love
Sarah : /

So heya

Book~

Everything in this world has a purpose it has just got to find that purpose

-Sarah          23:37                    15/10/10

Yeah because someone has to be at the bottom....

I did it I told the group what I was kinda thinking. But I didn't tell claire's mum about her cutting. I'm failing school for real I believe. Oh well.

Night
g2g this isn't safe could have someone walk in 

Sarah

Sooo

Yesterday

Adults

I'm not sure how much they know at the moment but I'm starting to get suspicious. What I mean is stuff like cooking breakfast in the morning "because I have a big day"  it's nice and all and then making sure what I put in my lunch .....

As much as that is nice it's making me feel guilty as I know they can't really afford to have someone else living off their budget and what with me not eating some of it.... It really does make me feel guilty as. But it means I won't feel sick right? Anyway not eating gives me a sense of achievement I don't really know why but it just does. And I know it's not healthy but I did try but nothing changed :/

So not much to say got a really busy day no time ;) 

Meeting with principal discussing hiring of staff xDDD form time 

Library duty interval + lunch

Guitar lesson After school

Karate after school

Yay busy busy busy!!!!!!!

Love Sarah

So life goes on

So anyway life continues although I mostly wish it didn't ..... 

Arms hurt like bitch but it's my fault my problem so I will just have to deal with it. So last night I did it again but deeper and more and when I went to bed I couldn't sleep because of the pain and once I did. I kept waking up although that did help me get to school on time as I woke up at 4:47. lol I actually thought I was running really late when I woke up xDDDDD But was 17 mins early and i walked in the rain today and then went to supermarket to get some first aid supplies just incase. 

Some of my friends keep tugging at my arms which really does hurt but I can't complain can I? It's not their fault and it's not like know soo..... 

I really wanna tell Claire's mum (stage name) about her cutting as it could get a lot worse but then it could back fire majorly. And I don't really see that I have any right.... But I'm going too I think... but if she were to tell about me I don't know what I would do as I'm so busy at the moment and I really like being busy. That and I'm scared.

Got to go home now seeya

Love 

Sarah

So life goes on

So as much as I wish it didn't life still goes on...
My arms probably have never hurt as much before and the worst thing is it's all my fault ....I mean it was my choice .... choices they change our lives they can be the difference between

Normal

I decided to try and finish of this blog before I can finish off some other things so back to awhile ago and here is the ...

Book~

To get what I want right now I'm going to have to work hard for it. Whether it be money, grades or fitness. I am going to have to work hard. If I want a good career. I will have to work for it. In ten years I could have my medical degree but somehow I can't see my life past 17 yet I can imagine everyone elses.

-Sarah            22:50      14/10/10

Funny thing is I still believe most of it yet now I can see a few more paths but is it better to see the worst possible road to take and not really know if you are on that path. Head to a nasty collision? I don't believe I am on the worst path but I know I'm on one of the not so good paths.

Well I have to go do some work.

And I can't believe that's how I used to think just under 6 months ago when I still lied in the book as well as everywhere else.

Love Sarah

Lied.

Okay maybe I lied it's not easier that way.
But that is just how life is.
It's not easy it's not fair.
But hey that's life.

So I am just wondering what am I going to do I have a school dance coming up in six days and I have just recently cut...... On my arms which I don't normally do it's just been a very stressful and disappointing week and this is just the start of the first of a few very hard years... (if I am still around) Back to the dance problem I am just going to go but I will wear arm warmers.

I have found out that one of my friends cuts which is quite depressing because I was under the belief that she did so when I asked way back last year and she said no she didn't she lied. So right now I'm not sure which hurts more the fact that she lied to me or the fact that she cuts too. This friend is well was the only one who knew about my cutting but as last week was so........ well it just was a hard week I also cut on my hands. Which has meant that at karate several people noticed one of my other friends noticed and quote said "have you been cutting again ouhhhhhh" and until that ouhhhhhh bit she had me pretty worried because what if she knew?

So another two people asked I boy I knew he's a couple of years younger 12 I think? But he asked and didn't seem quite satisfied with my answer ( cat scratch, mosquito and fell out of tree). And I also got some funny looks from one of the instructors. But I learnt quite a important lesson to many cuts on back of my hands equals suspicion. Oh yeah what also happened at karate was that my friend (the one that knows) asked me what they were and I said I fell out of a tree and my friend said "bullshit I know what they look like see?" And up until that point I didn't know she cut but another of my friends was there when she said that (she apparently already knew about my other friends cutting).

And now I have two friends that know and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it as it makes me feel really guilty knowing that I'm burdening them with my problems when they already have their own. That all happened about three days ago and yesterday my friend (the one who cuts) was asking if she could see my cuts and asking me all these questions. And then when I said no she asked why it's just because not that you really know how much you broke my trust when you basically told my other friend that I cut.

And also I have only told one person I have never showed anyone but I know I probably will have to at some stage but I am quite happy with as few people knowing as possible so I can get on with my life and planning my death. So me showing you is not something that I'm comfortable doing. Me and the same friend were talking about suicide because I just wanted to check that she wasn't as well. She reckons if you did it would create more suicides. I don't agree no one cares about me that much to follow me she also reckons I won't but I will and I know it.

Will post soon.

Love Sarah

Well

I can't wait till I off myself.

Just need the time now.

This world is pretty shit aye.

And I just seem to add to it.

Sorry.

Life

I finally admitted it yes I am a cutter.

And I'm not proud of it.

And I do want to die.

And yes you knew.

And I'm sorry that I told you.

And I'm sorry that now you do too.

And It's all my fault.

And don't worry I won't be around to burden you any more.

And life will be easier for everyone if they just don't know me.

And I will snob you.

And it will hurt you but it's for the best.

And I'm sorry but I can't be in the friend group any more.

And I do like him.

Please may I?

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because I've been left lying there.

Because I've been left crying there.

Because I've been left lying here today.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because I just don't know what to do.

Because I just don't want to face the truth.

Because I just don't want to explain.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because of you.

Because of trust.

Because of me.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because you noticed.

Because you knew.

Because I told.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because I'm an idiot.

Because I'm stupid.

Because I'm fat.

Because I'm me.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because I do what I can to ease the pain.

Because I want to die.

Because I don't have the courage to.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because I can't.

Because I do.

Because I cut.

Because I don't see any other way.

Please may I die here today?

And leave all the pain behind.

Because I'm sorry.

Because I'm in pain.

Because I'm confused.

when it all falls down

I'm just not sure what to do any more I mean when your world falls down how long can you stay standing in it how long before you fall to?


And how long before someone realises how fake your world is?

And what happens when they realise when it is to late?

I really want to tell someone about more of my problems but I am already burdening them to much.

And I'm so so sorry

-Sarah

FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously if you keep fucking up my life I swear I WILL end it.

At the moment I just don't have the courage. 

Sure a few people will be sad but that's life or rather death.

And so what it's not like anything matters any more.

So I Promised

So this year I have promised a lot of things but most are just empty promises it seems
.
Sorry

Gosh

Man I am so not coping with the move.....

 Fuck my life seriously. I mean come on .... I will tell you more about it later
-Sarah 
13:14 28/02/2011

Last Hours

Hmm it's my last few hours as 14 hmm I wish I could just die....

Night =/

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

22:44              1/02/2011

Last days ...

Last day of being 14.

Everything seems shit to me..

At asleep over we did this thing about what we think about each other. The truth is that really really hit me hard. Cause I got told not much that I liked. Example 'Life of the party ' Yeah right sure my adhd can take advantage of me and sometimes that helps with faking but it also means I can't understand the boundaries till after an event.

Hmm 12 hours have passed since I last tried typing so the end.

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

22:41    1/02/2011

Started

Started a video blog shall put that up.
On youtube not to sure though.

My friend still has the book -_-

Life is meh for me at the moment.

Love
Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen
17:32          27/01/2011

=/

Well as you may know I have been isolated from the internet which sucks.

The internet was one of my 'better' outlets and has now been almost down to zero.

Take one habit away and another one comes back.

So some things I have tried to avoid are back.

No I'm not a druggie or alcho..... Yet..

So here I am for now I've set a new date and maybe I can go through with it this time.

Maybe post again?

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

14:27         36/01/2011

Haven't been blogging because hardly any internet now that I'm at dad's.
Was at claires a few days back left my BOOK~ there so yeah
Love Sarah

Late

Doing a proper post tomorrow :P

-Sarah

Late

Doing a proper post tomorrow :P

-Sarah

Blah

Book~

Sometimes I feel as though my body isn't being controlled by my brain properly. And my body isn't really my body. And that it feels as though it is going to fail me and has already started to break down. Although my mind knows more than it ever has. Are all these the results of aging? At 14?

-Sarah                   22:54           13/10/10

Ugh post soon properly 

Bye byes 

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

23:14               11/01/2011

Whoops

Okay so yeah gonna go for a run in an hour.

Book~

Death is inevitable we all die. That is the price of living. Some of us are closer to dying than others. Some of us die by chance which might or could be any random event. Some fear death doing anything to try and prevent what is inevitable. Some look forward to it and go out of their way to try and embrace it. And then there are some who don't care and live for now. Because the past is forgotten the future is unknown and now is a present.

-Sarah     22:37            12/10/10

Well yeah that's it.

I have now. 

A really bad sleeping pattern.

I don't sleep for a day.

Sleep 5- the next few.

4or other day 16+ hours.

Bye

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

04:48             10/01/2011

8th

Hey yeah it was my darling little cousins birthday.

He turned twelve.

Holy shit I feel so old.

Book~

Being in a big group is all very fun but sometimes it is just to much.But it is always better to be in a group where you  are accepted for who you are. In a big group it's hard to do something everyone doesn't disapprove of. But even when you do that someone can still feel left out. But in a big group normally someone notices and will join that person. Hopefully ...

-Sarah              22:16  11/10/10

Going to bed soon 

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

1:03           9/01/2011

Moving

Found out the reason mum doesn't care about my internet.

Next friday I'm going to live with my dad for a week.

Book~

Time. As time passes people change and move on. And leave but earth stays pretty much the same.

P.S Yes I forgot to write last night that's why I'm writing now.

Sarah                 05:40        11/10/10

Oh yeah the day before it I missed 10/10/10 twice xD

Love 

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

00:09        8/01/2011

Lala

Book~

We all think so highly of ourselves. We think that we are the best at everything and even hold competitions to test that we are all so so stupid.

-Sarah        23:07               9/10/10

Working out xD

Hopefully I can reach my goal 49 etc =D

4 things today.

Yay so happy =D

True Change cannot be made if it is bound by laws and limitations, predictions and imagination
Uchiha Itachi (Naruto)

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

 23:53          6/01/2011

Post

Book~ 

When you look at the world. When you really look at it You see what a truly terrible place it is.Humans Fight and kill each other. We hurt everything and everyone and we don't understand a lot of things. Yet we like to call ourselves the top of the food chain or even in gods image. Even if we were created in gods image we weren't in his mentality. Earth is a truly evil place to live in and it would be much better without humans.

-Sarah      23:41              8/10/10

You know it kind of sucks having to type this up twice.

So yeah I've gotten banned from late night use of the computer.

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

20:37                 5/01/2011

-_-

Blog tomorrow with heaps of info I promise
love me 4/01/2011

Yestersays post did post ...

not gonna bother today hands shaking to much
21:55 3/01/2011

2/01/11

Book~

When you really look at this world.When you really look at it. You see what a truly terrible place it is. Humans fight and kill each other. We hurt everything and everyone and we don't understand a lot of things. Yet we like to call ourselves top of the food chain or even in gods image. Even if we were created in gods image we weren't created in his mentality. Earth is a truly evil place to live. It would be a much better place without humans.

-Sarah            23:41    8/10/10

Blah got nothing to say...

I am strong because i have people to protect.
Uzumaki Naruto (Naruto)

And thats why I will never hurt them with my secrets and my truths.

Love 

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

23;56       2/01/2011

New year

So it's a new year big deal.

One less one I have to live through.

Book~

Hey there I really don't know what to say I feel as though everything is slipping away. Whats real and whats fake are no longer as separate as they used to be. And I feel as though my body is failing me. I don't think this is normal. Is it? I just don't know anymore.

-Sarah             22:20     7/10/10

Okay today I changed my blog address.

1) Because I don't want to know if anyone I know is reading this.

2) I don't really want them to read this.

3) My posts get worse.

4) I felt like it.

Actually I was changing it this morning and the reason then was so my friends wouldn't see post like the one above. Believe it or not I didn't know one of those posts would be today. Yep that was about when I started to realize a lot of things.

So if you know me and you are reading this well fuck.

Wouldn't I be screwed then?

There are tons of things I dislike and I don't really like anything.
Uchiha Sasuke (Naruto)

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

23:54            1/01/2011

2011

HOLY CRAP IT IS 2011

Book~

Plans we all make them sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they go great or not so great. But it depends who you are with so even if the plan doesn't work you still have fun.

-Sarah  23;41   6/10/10

You know I always find it ironic that what ever I end up writing in the book seems to be more relevant now than ever.

On that day, you taught me that solitude is painful! I understand that so well right now. I have family, and I have friends but if you're gone... To me... It will be the same as being alone.
Haruno Sakura (Naruto)

Love

Just_another_bored_teen_trying_not_to_be_seen

02:22  1/01/2011